A glimpse into life without social anxiety

by Patty K on August 4, 2010

I really *hate it* when people say things like “freedom is just on the other side of fear.” They make it sound so damned easy.

And it’s even more annoying to find out that they’re right.

I experienced this freedom from fear the other night, after I gave my first ever paid motivational speaking presentation.

It was a huge personal victory.
In order to pull off this feat, I performed a number of people-related tasks that not too long ago would have stopped me in my tracks.

Followed up with the client by phone, including an extra call to ask for specific directions (possible “bothering”)
Asked for money in exchange for speaking
Walked into a strange building and asked for directions and parking information (while wearing my pajamas)
Delivered a 90 minute presentation to a group of “not quite my right audience”

I felt no anxiety whatsoever.

I also felt completely *willing and able* to ask for a testimonial or referral. I chose not to. Not because I was scared. But because my client didn’t sit in on my presentation and the audience wasn’t quite right for me. I would have done it in a heartbeat if they had been my right people. (Bonus points: being clear about what I offer and to whom, not desperately clutching at “anything and everything.”)

It was like living in a completely different world.
I caught a glimpse of what it would be like to be able to confidently move in and around people. To ask for what I want. To take up space. To pick up a phone. To experience how the “other side” lives. The extroverts. The “not afraid of people” people.

Extroverts are different.
I learned a long time ago that other people don’t have the social anxiety and shyness related fears that I have. They experience the world in a completely different way.

Years ago, I had a conversation with one of the women I worked with in the real estate office. She was an older lady, very kind to me, very motherly…with a reassuring British accent.

I confided my fear of making phone calls to her: how I shook when I reached for the receiver, how I felt sick to my stomach…and how I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Her response: “Oh my. I get a bit nervous sometimes, making cold calls. But nothing like what you describe. Doesn’t sound normal to me.”

Then there was one of my exes. Had no problem walking into a business, asking for the owner/manager and trying to sell them something. He used to do this for fun sometimes. Informal market research. He’d get a business idea and try it out on someone.

At the time, I was teaching myself how to program computers and I got stuck (this was late 80s…before you could just Google the answer). He pulled out the yellow pages, looked up computer programmers – and called one. “Hi there. My wife is learning how to program. Can you explain what a “procedure” is to her?”

Call up a stranger and bother them?
I was horrified. How could he do that? Just call up a stranger and *bother* them? I was across the room – waving my arms, shaking my head and mouthing “NO” – I didn’t want to talk to the guy. (He would think I’m an idiot! And rude!)

Turns out? The programmer was a super nice guy. Taught computer science at the local university. And he lived just down the street from us. We invited him over for tea (apparently, explaining procedures needed more than a phone call). He ended up coming over several times a week. We fed him dinner in exchange for private computer lessons. We became friends and even did a couple of projects together.

What would it be like to be fearless?
I’ve often thought that if I could rid myself of all my people-related anxieties…it would be like having a super power. I could do *anything*

I could pick up the phone and call *anyone* and introduce myself.
I could ask for help. Or advice. Even money.
I could promote myself. Attend networking events. Talk to people.

And I wouldn’t fall apart and hide under the bed get discouraged when the first person said no. I’d be able to do the whole “it’s a numbers game” thing and keep on calling, keep on asking – until I got what I needed.

I could become successful.

The other night, I realized: I’m close to actually developing this super power.
I used to think that because I’m an introvert, I would never be able to do these things. At least not with ease.

And now I know it’s not true.

I used to be afraid of public speaking. Now I enjoy it. I used to think I couldn’t ask for money. Now I know I can. I used to be terrified of picking up the phone. Now…well…I’m working on it.

I’m not talking about changing my personality and becoming an extrovert (that would be exhausting – and it would mean developing traits that annoy me.)

It means I can still keep all my lovely introvert qualities (thinking before speaking, enjoying my alone time, getting charged up by ideas) – while taking extroverted action.

As I start my business, there are some things I plan to do that still give me the willies:

Networking (with real people!)
Contacting strangers (and not-so-strangers)
Asking for help and support
Putting my product ideas out there (selling stuff – gasp!)

At the core of these issues lies my fear of people.

Oh, I might call it fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of making a fool out of myself…even fear of success.

It all boils down to “worrying about what other people think of me.”

Based on my previous experience, I know I *can* learn to interact with people. And the fear *does* go away eventually.

Coming up
Over the next few posts, I’ll be writing about:

Things I do to “psych myself up” before doing something scary
Things I’ve done so far to get past some of these fears
New adventures in fear-bashing: taking on each of the above fears and documenting my experience and process.

If you know anyone who struggles with these sorts of things, you can help with my mission by letting them know about this site.