I feel better about everything today. The situation itself hasn’t changed, but my feelings around it have. Why?

Because I acknowledged and “got it out” yesterday. I let myself become AWARE of what was going on. Yesterday’s rant gave voice to what I was thinking and feeling. I felt like crap yesterday. Angry, irritable and a bit depressed. I looked inside and asked myself what was going on. I gave myself permission to be completely honest. To say exactly what I was thinking – without trying to justify/rationalize/judge – or apply any “problems are really challenges” re-framing bullshit. And then I wrote it all down and shared it with the world (that step is new). And getting it out freed up some energy to actually look at it rationally.

This is not the first time I’ve had to correct course (re-framing does have a time and place). I’ve fucked up taken the wrong path before. What did I do to manage these situations in the past?

First of all, everything I’ve ever done has contributed to me becoming the person I am today. And I like myself. Thus…my “mistakes” (yes, including all those marriages) were really just great ways to get material for my stand up routine opportunities to learn about myself. And…even though things looked pretty damned dark at some times in the past, after a few years of hindsight…I see that I bounce back pretty well. And I move on. That doesn’t mean it’s easy at the time. But I trust that things will work out. They always do.

Over time, I’ve developed a “system” for dealing with life. After reading many dozens of self help books, I’ve taken bits and pieces and devised a process that works for me.  It might sound like this was an intentional act, but it was not. Just years and years of trial and error. Keeping what works, throwing out what doesn’t…and replacing/adding stuff as I evolved and learned more.

My system in a nutshell

At this moment in time, my main tools are these: awareness, acceptance, analysis, action. (Cue sesame street music: this post is brought to you by the letter A.) I present these as “steps” – but it’s not like my system is strictly linear. I jump around between them. I repeat steps. And they just kinda blend together.

Awareness: What the heck is going on? What are the facts of the situation? All of them – good, bad, ugly. How do I feel? Why? I try to dig up every bit of data I possibly can. Get everything out in the open.

Acceptance: I love Byron Katie. She says (something I repeat to myself frequently): “Never argue with reality. Because it wins. But only every time.” Acceptance is just relaxing into “what is.” Situations don’t make us suffer. Our thoughts make us suffer. (Note: Acceptance does NOT equal Approval. Two entirely different concepts.)

Analysis:  How did this happen? Why did it happen? What are my options?

Lately I’ve added an additional step here: authenticity check. Of all my options…which one leads me along the path of becoming “more me” – more authentic. I used to really be led astray by trying to choose a path that would be more in keeping with what is valued in society (ie – fitting in, doing what others want me to do, doing what “the experts” advise I should do). No more. I am on a mission to become as fully ME as I can possibly get. Hey wait…I already AM ME. It’s about uncovering me and showing up as me…(that would be IN pajamas, not, well you know…)

Action: Not my most favorite thing. I tend to be a thinker, not a doer. But ultimately, nothing changes until you do something different. (What’s *really* cool about adding in the “authenticity check” step is that sometimes I don’t need to take any action at all…unless you count “self acceptance” as an action.)

So what’s going on?

I’m just starting to process my current situation. Yesterday I expressed a lot of negative thoughts. I really dwelled on what I thought was wrong. To balance the picture, I need to look a little broader and deeper.

To begin with…why/how did I make this decision in the first place?

It’s all Jim Carrey’s fault. I was influenced by the movie Yes Man. To the point of making a new rule for myself: in the face of any big opportunity, to ask, “Would I regret saying no?” I remember telling people: “I have a chance to do something I’ve only just talked about before. To go on an adventure. To travel. To learn a new language. To get off the grid for a while. To take a break from IT and figure out what I really want to do next. And the last thing I ever want to do is look back from my death bed and say: I wished I’d gone sailing.”

Before we left on this trip, I wasn’t happy with my life. I was bored. I needed a change. A shake up. The purpose of my life is not to be safe and secure. I DO want to grow and to learn. I want to experience life.

And I did grow and learn…

1. I learned that the cruising life is not for me. I didn’t know that before. It sounded good. Now I’ve experienced it – and I will NEVER have the regret of not trying it, wondering what if… The question has been answered. And I have some good stories to tell about it.

2. I did have that “fucking personal growth opportunity” on the sail to Tortugas. I was pushed beyond the limits of what I thought I was capable of – and I learned that I was capable of so much more.

3. I learned that I would HATE retirement. I always *suspected* this…but now I know for sure. I need to use my talents. I need to contribute. I need to continue to grow and learn. The picture of ideal retirement: sitting by the pool all day, relaxing and playing golf – bores me to death (hey…maybe that’s the point).

4. I realized how little space…and how few things I need to be comfortable and happy. I don’t mind living on the boat, even though it’s really small. When we first moved in, I joked that our new home was smaller than the walk-in closet in Joe’s old house. And yet, it’s enough space. Before this experience, my dream home/cottage was about 2000 square feet. Now I think that 500 well laid out feet could be perfect and luxurious. (Note to self: if and when you ever buy real estate again, you may recover the cost of this trip in reduced house price.)

5. I learned that the nomadic life suits me. Over the past year, we lived temporarily in 3 different apartments, several marinas and maybe a dozen hotel rooms. I found that any place…even a hotel room, could feel like home. I settle quickly.

6. It’s not important for me to “own” my home. This was scripting I carried with me from my father. I don’t like the responsibility, mortgage payments feel “heavy”…and, I feel stuck in one place. I don’t like house maintenance (even though Joe does most of it). And I hate boat maintenance even more (even though Joe does most of it). I prefer living in a place where these things are tended to for me.

7. I learned that I like traveling…but…not in the way I thought I would. I’m not an adventurer. I would probably enjoy guided tours more. On my own, I don’t explore. I don’t go to see things. And I’m not particularly interested in getting off the beaten path.

8. I love nature…but I don’t want to go out of my way to engage with it. A lizard crosses my path or appears on the side of a building – I stop and look and marvel. I smile. Hike 2 miles into the desert to look at lizards? No thanks. (And I really like lizards.) I’m just not outdoorsy. I’m not a hiker, a climber, a swimmer… I’m a fair weather sailor and at best, a fair weather camper. I don’t like bugs. I don’t like being dirty or wet (at least not in this context).

9. I learned how to sail. Something physical. Something my inner child really enjoys. When I was a kid, we had this really strong wind one day. As luck would have it, my parents had just bought new appliances and the boxes were in the back yard. I cut one open, grabbed my wagon and headed into the wind. After walking a few blocks, I sat in the wagon and positioned the big piece of cardboard behind me. I went flying down the street, steering with the wagon handle and powered by the wind. This was one of my best childhood memories. Sailing (in good weather and safe conditions) makes me feel like a kid again.

I learned some things about myself through this experience. I confirmed some things I already knew (but in some cases didn’t want to admit). I surprised myself by finding out I liked things I didn’t think I would like. And I surprised myself even more by finding out I *didn’t* like some things I was sure I would.

But more than anything, I can walk away from this experience, knowing that I did it. I will never regret passing up the opportunity. Never again will I sit at my desk and my computer and think “gee…I wonder what it would be like if I sold everything and just went sailing.” I know now.

At 43, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I’m still not completely sure who I am. But I’m figuring it out. By taking risks. By trying things and deciding whether or not I like them.

What am I going to do next? I don’t know yet…I’ve got some more analysis to do before I take any action. But one thing I do know from my past personal experience…I will get through this. It will be a good thing. And it will make me stronger. Of that, I have no doubt.

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Tagged as: acceptance, action, awareness, depression, growth