I am leaving Mexico.

Joe is staying on the boat. I’m going to BC. (No, we’re not breaking up.)

After several weeks of wondering if my environment was causing contributing to my depression. I decided that it didn’t matter. Leaving would not make it worse. Worst case scenario, I end up depressed in BC. At least I have friends and family there.

How did I finally make this obvious difficult decision?

In the beginning, there was Awareness
Last week, I looked through my journal and noticed I’ve been pretty miserable lately. (Yeah, I know you’re shocked.)

I also saw a clear pattern. I was either bitching and moaning about my environment – how I hate being in Mexico, how I feel stuck on this boat, lack of privacy, public showers, no internet, blah, blah, blah.

Or I was thinking about my “speaking thing” (more on this later) and feeling frustrated because I couldn’t DO anything about it as long as I was stuck here in Mexico on a boat.

And then there was Analysis
It seems really simple: I’m not happy here, so I should leave.

But it’s not.

It’s complicated: What if I leave and it doesn’t make a difference? Where do I go? What do I do? How does Joe figure into this? How can we both be happy?

After weeks of  procrastination ideas and discussions, it came down to this conversation:

Joe: “I still need to be on vacation for a while, I’m not over my burn-out from 10 years in the coal mine.”
Patty: “I can’t stand being on vacation for another minute, I really need to do something.”
Joe: “So what, exactly, do you want? Right now?”
Patty: “I want a real bed and a private bathroom/shower. I want to go to Toastmasters and yoga and bellydance. I want friends; a social life. I want to speak and do my comedy thing.”
Joe: “Then why don’t you go to Vancouver?”

Why don’t I, indeed?

This is the Third Alternative (thank you Patty Newbold). Joe gets to continue to relax and enjoy his adventure for the next 2 months. And I can get started on my speaking thing and take showers without an audience.

It seems simple. And once again, it’s not.

More analysis…and paralysis
I couldn’t see the entire road…so I told myself I couldn’t decide. My internal conversations looked a bit like this:

I can go to Vancouver. Or Victoria. Vancouver is where I ultimately want to be. Victoria is where my friends are now.

Then what do I do? Rent a room? Rent an apartment? Do I look for the *perfect* place? Or something “good enough” and temporary?

How will I get around? Rent a car? Buy a van? Take the bus?

Awareness: I’ve been stuck here before. Needing to know all the details *AND* needing to remain flexible. Working out a thousand iterations of what I could do. And actually doing nothing. Analysis Paralysis.

Then I remembered a quote.

You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
~ Martin Luther King Jr.

I didn’t need to know all the details before I booked the plane tickets. I could decide what to do next sometime between now and when the plane lands in Vancouver.

Finally there was Action
I made the commitment. I stopped thinking, stopped analyzing and I took Action.

1. I bought plane tickets
2. I signed up for Lady & the Champs Speakers’ Conference in Las Vegas

One small step towards living where I want to live
One small step towards doing what I want to do

And then things shifted
I stopped dwelling on how much I hate it here, how it sucks and how I’m stuck.

I started thinking about ideas for speeches. I started working on my “I am a Speaker” page for my website.

Joe and I started talking about where we wanted to live and what attributes the place would need.

We went sailing and spent 2 nights in a lovely anchorage about 4 hours from here. I enjoyed being on the water and feeling the motion of the boat at night. I looked at the sunset and the stars. I appreciated the experience. It felt like being on vacation. And it would end in 2 weeks.

Everything feels better.

Even the damned shower is more tolerable. Because now I think: only X more days of this. And that makes it easier.

When I am mired in the deep, dark muck of depression: I hate, hate, hate to hear things about how changing your thoughts will change your feelings or taking action will make you feel better.

But when I really pay attention, when I am aware of what I’m thinking, feeling and doing…I can’t escape the truth:

Actions, thoughts and feelings are inter-related. Change one and the others change automatically.

Related posts:

1. Random thoughts from Las Vegas
2. Awareness, acceptance…and lots of analysis

Tagged as: action, awareness, depression, drinking, growth