I don’t wanna…and you can’t make me!

by Patty K on January 24, 2010

I am washing the dishes, listening to the wind whistle through our rigging and getting nervous. We’re supposed to go sailing today with Mike (an experienced sailor and our current neighbour at the marina). I think it’s too windy.

The wind right now is really variable – from next to nothing, then gusting up to about 20 knots – it just howls through the marina. Joe is full on go. Completely full of confidence, making bizarre claims like: “We’ve left anchorages in these conditions before. Anything below 25 knots is just fine.” I don’t know if he’s trying to reassure me or himself. Either way, those are not my recollections.

I’m paying close attention to what I’m thinking and feeling. Practicing Awareness.

My thoughts. Yes, we’ve sailed with winds at 20 or 25 knots. On our terrifying voyage to Bahia Tortugas last spring. We’ve never sailed with winds that gust from 0 to 20. And we’ve never left an anchorage with 20 knot winds. We may have left *expecting* 20 knot winds, but never with it actually blowing 20 knots in a protected area. At 36 feet, our boat is capable of handling winds in that range. That doesn’t mean I am.

My feelings? I’m nervous. I always get nervous before we sail, but this time the anxiety feels stronger.

Whether my fears lead to thoughts (how do I justify getting out of this?)…or thoughts lead to fear (am I making myself scared?)…I notice that I am worrying. I’m projecting into the future – imagining what might happen. And my predictions are far from comforting.

We’ve had some problems with the engine lately and I’m worried it won’t start when we need it to. I envision the wind giving us trouble getting on and off the dock. And more trouble raising and lowering the mainsail. I picture the wind gusting and the boat suddenly heeling over more than I am comfortable with. I imagine having a bad time, and deciding that I don’t ever want to sail again. I start writing my “I’ve had enough, you should buy out my share of the boat” speech to Joe (assuming he doesn’t fall overboard and die – my recurring sailing nightmare).

Then I realize 2 things:

1. I don’t want to go.

2. I have a choice. I don’t have to.

So I say, simply: “I don’t want to go.”
Joe says (simply): “OK.”
I confirm: “You’re OK just going with Mike?”
He says: “Sure.”

No drama. No judgment. I am not being pushed beyond my limits. Joe is not feeling held back by me. I’m content to spend the afternoon reading in the cruisers lounge. Joe is excited to go sailing.

I continue to help them prepare the boat. When the wind dies down a bit, I have second thoughts. Other than the gusts, it’s a nice sunny day. I wonder if I’m being a complete chickenshit. Where is the line between challenging myself in a good way and purposefully making myself miserable? An afternoon sail in the warm waters of the Sea of Cortez is a degree of magnitude less life-threatening than our 1,000 mile trek down the Baja – and I survived that. Maybe I should suck it up and go…

Then I glance at the wind gauge. It gusts to 20 knots. My stomach tightens. Nope. This is more wind than I want to deal with today.

When they return, I hear enough to know that I would not have enjoyed the trip. The engine wouldn’t start when they went to leave the fuel dock. The swells were a little bigger than they expected, one came over the boat and soaked them. Joe complained that the gusts made sailing difficult. While they had no problems leaving the slip, a sudden gust of wind made a mockery of their attempt to dock when they returned. It took 3 tries before they were tied up securely.

They had a good time anyhow.

Once again, I questioned whether or not I made the right decision. Did I just pass up an opportunity to grow?

I “get” how facing fears can lead from terror to comfort.

For a long time, I simply chose to avoid anything that scared me. I let the fear stop me.

Then I decided to grow. I consciously chose to do things that scared me. I jumped off a telephone pole, walked a tightrope, climbed trees and rode zip lines. I walked across hot coals. I swallowed fire. I sailed 1,000 miles down the Baja. I proved to myself that I can “feel the fear and do it anyway.”

I learned that there is a different feeling associated with facing a fear that leads to becoming ones Authentic Self and facing a fear in order to please other people or try to become the person you think you “should” be.

That’s been my experience, anyhow. 12 years ago I was *terrified* of public speaking. Yet I really wanted to try it.

It took me 6 months to muster up the courage to attend a Toastmasters meeting. The first time I stood up to speak, I thought I was going to pee myself my legs shook so badly, I worried I might collapse. The terror has diminished over the years – and I still get nervous from time to time. But right from Day One – the very first time I stood up and spoke for all of 17 seconds – I was also aware of the “up side” – the positive excitement, the YAY! I did it! feeling of elation.

With sailing, I feel the same level of fear and anxiety *every* time we go out, regardless of conditions. And afterward, what I feel is relief. An “I’m glad that’s over” sort of feeling. Sure, I’m proud that I was able to do it. I enjoy the feeling of competence that comes from learning new skills. Under the right conditions, I find sailing to be exciting and fun. And certainly, our trip down the Baja is a growth experience I will never forget. But I don’t have that glowing, happy, “I’m coming into my own” feeling that I get when I push through a fear that leads to Authentic Me.

And I believe that is the key.

Authentic Me is a public speaker. She is comfortable on stage. It’s where she belongs. I may need to move through fear to release her from past conditioning, but it feels “right.” She wants to be there.

I’ve tried on sailing. I’ve invested enough time to know whether or not it fits for me. I recognize that (no matter how much I push or how much I fantasize) Authentic Me is – quite literally – strictly a fair weather sailor.

And I’m OK with that.

I believe it’s true that we can do anything we want to do. And it’s also true that we can’t do everything we want to. We have to make choices.

I’ve decided to become more selective. I will not shy away from things I want to do, even if they scare me. I will also not push myself to do things I don’t want to do, just because they do scare me.

The trick will be to recognize the difference.