No longer on the wagon

The other night, Joe and I met for “cocktails” with 2 other couples. When our host took our drink orders, Joe asked for a beer and I requested water. Joe then explained: “Patty’s on the wagon.”

I immediately thought: “Hmm. I think I would prefer to simply say that I don’t drink.” And not just because “on the wagon” might invite questions or even pressure to “get me off the wagon” – but because it felt more accurate.

It’s now been about 40 days (41 days, 3 hours and 23 minutes – but who’s counting?) since I embarked on a 90 day trial of not drinking.

At this point in the experiment, I’m starting to feel more like a non-drinker.

Today, I had a conversation with someone who was thinking about doing a similar trial. She asked quite a few questions about my experience and my process. I thought my answers might be useful to anyone else considering an experimental, temporary life change.

Did you start because you were totally hung over and said: “never again”?
No. This was actually very well thought out. I mulled over the idea for about 6 months – maybe even longer before starting it. The Steve Pavlina workshop was a catalyst, because I came face to face with the current state of my “health and physical body.”

However…last time I stopped (for about 8 months) it was immediately after a wicked hangover that lasted 2 days. One of those “I’m never going to drink again moments.” So that can work too.

Did you drink everything in sight because tomorrow you’re quitting?
I systematically got rid of most of the booze on the boat (by drinking it) before I started – but not by drinking more than usual. The night before I stopped, I very mindfully drank 2 airplane bottles of Jack Daniels.

How did you decide on 90 days? Why not 30? Or 10?
I got clear on what my intention was with this trial. I already know I can stop drinking. I was certain I could do 30 days…and just as certain that I would pick it up again after the 30 days were up.

I chose 90 days because it felt both doable and challenging. And because what I really wanted was to experience what it might feel like to stop for longer. Maybe even for good. I was originally thinking about doing a full year.

A challenge like this is a contract with yourself. An exercise in self-discipline. I think it’s really, really important to choose a time frame that you *know* you can do. I think you’re better off to commit to *one* day and achieve it successfully than to commit to 30 and give up after 15.

Has it been hard?
Hell, yes! Especially the first couple of weeks.

And it’s gotten easier. Now I actually have some days where I don’t really even think about it.

Are you looking forward to the day you can drink again?
Weirdly enough, I’m *not* looking forward to “the day I can drink again.” Right at this moment, I feel a bit scared to have a drink (and I’m using that feeling to stay on track).

I expect I will *not* have a drink on April 15th. I may or may not choose to do a 30 day trial of “moderated drinking” or something like that. What I can say for sure is that I have no intention of slipping back into mindless drinking.

Did you start to feel better right away?
Physically, yes.
Emotionally, no. I felt worse. A lot worse. All the crap I was hiding from came to the surface.

What did you replace it with? Or did you have to replace it with anything?
In the beginning, I replaced the “reward/treat/indulgence” thing with bakery goodies. Which is a bit strange because I don’t generally buy the stuff – I’ll certainly eat it if it’s in the house – but I don’t go out of my way for it.

Every time we went to the grocery store, I was immediately confronted with the liquor section: “Sale! Rum! $5!” And I’d have to walk past. By the time we got to the cashier, I’d be really feeling deprived. So I’d stop at the bakery on the way out and get a couple of things: a donut or a cookie or a “banana lump with chocolate on top.” Or all of the above.

The first couple of weeks after I stopped drinking I probably ate more bakery goodies than I had in the entire past 2 years. But I didn’t worry about it. My focus was on not drinking. Not drinking = success. Not drinking plus eating 3 bakery treats = success. Whatever it took to get through it.

I wasn’t worried about getting addicted; it wasn’t like taking up smoking or cocaine. I knew I could easily give up the bakery stuff later. And sure enough, I already have – and without any conscious effort. (I’ve moved on to peanuts in the shell and dried pineapple bits. I expect these too will fall by the wayside.)

The other replacement was for the “what will you have to drink?” moment in the restaurant. My instant reflex response is “what do you have on tap?” This is also an occasion where I sometimes feel like I’m missing out. Everyone else is drinking and I’m not. Ordering water feels both cheap and ascetic.

I used to have this rule: “no drinking calories unless they contain alcohol” – so I don’t drink pop or lemonade or juice. I let this rule go. Lately, I’ve been ordering jamaica (ha mike ah) – which is a sweetened tea made from hibiscus. It’s red and pretty and sweet and yummy and it feels like a treat, so I don’t miss the beer as much.

I just drink water at other times. And Joe and I have replaced our daily pre-dinner “cocktail hour” with a cup of herbal tea after dinner. (Before I stopped drinking, I might have rolled my eyes at the tea thing, but I really enjoy it now.)

The one best thing that I’ve done to help myself be successful is this “allowing myself to have a replacement enjoyable thing” to mitigate the deprivation. And allowing the replacement to be “unhealthy.” It really removes the whole “this feels like a punishment” vibe.

What about being around other people who are drinking?
The other night (when Joe referred to me as “on the wagon”) I experienced a social evening with 5 drinkers, me being the only abstainer. And not “one or two glasses of wine social drinkers” – but people who like to drink. Very much like the family I grew up with. Thankfully, the “on the wagon” thing wasn’t questioned; it was simply accepted.

I became aware of a few things. First of all, asking for water was pretty much a reflex. I went there fully intending not to drink and I simply carried out my plans. It felt very much like it does for me to refuse meat – not something I have to think about. Before we went, I got a bit “eye-rolly” about not wanting to go: it wouldn’t be fun to watch other people drink, I would feel left out, blah, blah, blah.

I’ve always told myself that I need a couple of drinks in order to socialize. So I was surprised to find that I felt relaxed; I laughed and joked with everyone and I had a good time. While I may have been a bit more reserved than if I had hoisted a few, I think that if I had been around people with common interests, I would have participated more. I considered the evening a social success for me.

I sort of missed having a drink in the beginning. I always find the first drink or two are the best. However, as the evening rolled on and folks were moving on to their 4th and 5th drinks – or switching to water – all of a sudden I felt *very happy* about my choice. I didn’t have to face that no-win decision: do I stop drinking now and accept the “suddenly tired and a bit down” feeling that comes with that? Or do I have one or two too many and then regret it the next morning?

Are you doing other “healthy” things at the same time?
Not intentionally. One project at a time. I’m finding that my “not drinking awareness” is extending to pretty much everything I’m putting in my body, so I’m noticing when I’m full and when I’m eating even when I’m not hungry. (But I’m not doing anything about it right now. Just noticing and accepting.)

When I find myself feeling bored or anxious or frustrated, I might go for a walk (but I’m really clear with myself – and this seems important – that it is not something I *have to do* and it is definitely not for *exercise*).

What do you tell people?
No one’s really asked! I think for new people I might just say “I don’t drink.” For people who know me as a boozer, maybe I’ll direct them to my blog.

What are you taking on next?
I’m purposefully *not* thinking about what’s next. I’m still at a point where I sometimes feel deprived and I don’t want to “threaten myself” with taking away even more Christmas presents, if you get what I mean. “Oh, you’ve done so well with not drinking, we’ll *reward* you by taking away chocolate. WTF!?!”

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There were more questions, but I’m tired of typing right now I’ll leave them for another post.

If you have a question, feel free to ask in the comments section. (If you wish to stay anonymous, you can use a fake name and anything  @pattyk.com as your email)

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Tagged as: awareness, depression, drinking, growth, habits