Mission one in my quest to scare myself is to attend networking events.

Last week, Joe and I attended a Biznik casual gathering.

In this post, I’m going to outline the things I did to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the ordeal. In my next post, I’ll report on the results. (Hint: no one died.)

Overall, I noticed that my level of anxiety around this event was markedly lower than it used to be. Attending a professional speaker’s conference in my pajamas really expanded my comfort zone. That being said…I still had some nerves about this and I found myself thinking about excuses not to go.

This is what I did to prepare:

1. Start small.
Biznik advertises itself as “non-sucky networking” and sounded really introvert friendly. For one thing, many of the gatherings are small. The one we selected – casual gathering in a coffee shop – had a limit of 10 people. A far cry from a chamber of commerce suit fest.

2. Commit in advance.
We RSVPed a few days in advance and I put the event into my calendar. This works for me. I break all people-related activities into 2 parts: the first is to decide to go and commit to it. The second is to actually go. If I tell myself I’ll decide “on the morning of” – I won’t do it. I think when I book these things in advance, my brain shifts from “deciding mode” to “acting mode” – and I (pretty much) stop thinking about whether or not to go, and instead focus on strategies for how I will manage it.

3. Take a friend.
Joe and I are going together. It’s not always possible to take someone for moral support…but when I can, I do. I used to think that if I went with a friend I was somehow “cheating” or “being a wuss.” I’ve now come to the conclusion that there’s nothing wrong with making things easier for myself or accepting help.

4. Prepare.
I know from experience that not being prepared leads to anxiety. Because this is a social event, I need to be ready to talk. Even as I write this, I feel my resistance coming up. I don’t like small talk. And I *hate* being asked “so…what do you do?” Mainly, because I have a hard time describing it. My business is still in a squishy formative stage. I don’t have concise answers. And I certainly don’t have the “elevator speech” that all the gurus say you have to have.

It’s around this time – when I start to think “I’ll look stupid, I should be able to answer these questions” that I start to consider not going.

I decide that saying “I’m a blogger and motivational speaker” is a good enough answer.

Then I remind myself…

5. Be authentic. It’s OK to be me.
When I start to worry about how I might look – either physically – or how I will express myself in words, I’ve fallen out of my authenticity. What I’m really saying is: “how do I pretend to be someone else so that I can increase the chance that they’ll like me?”

Instead: I remind myself that I am enough. It’s OK for me to be me. Then if they like me, it’s for who I really am. And if they don’t like me, that’s OK too.

6. Dress for Success
I will be wearing my pajamas. They remind me that it’s OK to be me. And as Havi says – they provide a great red velvet rope. My right people will, at the very least, be non-judgmental and think the PJ thing is interesting. Those who wish to reject me on sight are not my right people.

7. Remind myself of my purpose.
Why am I going in the first place? To practice meeting people. To research for my blog. For personal development. Hopefully to have some fun. If I happen to make a connection that helps my business, that’s a huge bonus, but it’s not my primary purpose. At least not this time.

8. Cut myself some slack
It’s OK for me to be bad at this. I’m still learning. My intention is to get past my fears first – and to work on techniques later.

I find the combination of “cutting myself some slack” and “remembering my purpose” really helps when I inevitably start thinking about excuses not to go. It’s a reminder that, yes, this is important to me. And no, it’s not a big deal.

Beware the advice in “How to Network” books
In the past, I’ve made the mistake of trying to follow advice I read in books about networking. I am generalizing here – no doubt there are introvert friendly books out there. I’m talking about the extrovert-oriented businessy ones.

1. Not for introverts
A lot of networking advice is written BY extroverts FOR extroverts. One author in particular talked about how she maintained personal contact with over 1,000 people.  As an introvert, I feel overwhelmed thinking about maintaining personal contact with 50 people. When I read books like this, I find myself comparing myself to others, coming up short and feeling inadequate.

2. Anxiety varies. People vary.
Beware the patronizing paragraph about “don’t worry EVERYONE gets nervous about meeting new people.” Usually this is handled in a dismissive, just suck it up and get on with it way.

Having worked my way through the continuum of “too scared to leave my house” through “little butterflies of nervousness” – I know that levels of anxiety vary widely. Once again, this sort of thing leaves me making unhealthy and unhelpful comparisons: if *everyone* else is nervous and *they* can do it, why can’t I?

3. Do I really want to do it that way?
Go getter techniques: setting goals for numbers of contacts, making rehearsed elevator pitches, getting into and out of conversations smoothly in order to increase the number of people you can “connect with” in one night.

While I’m sure some people can pull this stuff off smoothly and have it work…I’ve also seen people using these techniques in a stiff and awkward way. It just doesn’t fit for me. I’d rather make one meaningful connection than rush through 20 drive-by business card exchanges.

So…the things I won’t be doing
I won’t be making a list of pre-planned questions to ask. I’ve done this before and I end up sounding like a nervous interrogator.

I’m also not making up and memorizing a stupid an elevator pitch or canned “this is who I am” speech.

I’m not setting any “goals” about meeting X number of people or collecting X number of cards.

Instead, I plan to stay present and stay me. I’m going to take a genuine, curious, in-the-moment approach and remember that it’s OK to ask questions. And that it’s OK to feel awkward.

In my next post, I’ll let you know how it all went.

Related posts:

1. How I learned to stop worrying and love the phone
2. Taking action on the stuff that scares me
3. A glimpse into life without social anxiety
4. Aaacck! Don’t watch me!
5. Social media anxiety and the 7 link challenge

Tagged as: action, business, fear, growth, introversion, shyness, social anxiety